The Sound Of Silence

Among all the skills I’ve acquired over the course of my life, there is one that I was never able to fully grasp: the ability to silence my mind. Meditation music helps me find my center, but the act of turning off the multitude of conversations happening at the same time seems nearly impossible. Before my journey into sobriety, I had assumed that alcohol was the cause of this chaos in my mind. But even after months of clear-headedness, the mental noise persisted. Despite the struggle, I knew that this relentless inner dialogue was a double-edged sword; on one hand, it fueled my creativity and helped me remember countless experiences, but on the other, it left me feeling anxious and overwhelmed at the simplest tasks. Take today, for example. I had a meeting with a client in Manhattan, and as I stood in my cozy apartment, looking at the familiar comforts around me, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of dread creeping up my spine. The thought of venturing into the bustling metropolis, leaving my sanctuary, was daunting. The city, with its unrelenting movement and noise, seemed to mirror the chaos within my own head. However, once I stepped into the sleek, modern office space and was surrounded by professionals in crisp suits and polished shoes, I realized that engaging with others and being out in the world wasn’t as unbearable as I had anticipated. The anxiety began to dissipate, replaced by a sense of normalcy. By nature, I am an introverted person, an enigma of sorts. As an entertainer, I find solace on stage, basking in the adoration of a roaring crowd, while at the same time, I struggle to navigate a room filled with just a handful of people. The contradiction is bewildering, even to me. My time spent in solitude, or in the company of my family, has led me to envision a future where my home is my fortress. A place big enough to house everything I could ever want and need, reducing the frequency of my ventures into the outside world. The dream of finding a balance between wanting my own space and sharing myself with others is a constant pursuit. As I sat on the crowded subway car, the hum of the tracks beneath me and the faces of strangers all around, I couldn’t help but envision a future where my world could be more contained, less exposed. I stared out of the grimy window, the cityscape blurring past, and I told myself that one day, I would find that perfect balance.

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