The Rabbit Hole

On the surface, everything was normal. I continued to drink daily, and after having a long conversation with Alonzo about my DMT experience, I couldn’t help but feel as though I was still falling down a rabbit hole. There was a guttural feeling that I was still very much connected to the spirit world, and my dreams, having always been lucid, became a million times more potent and realistic, leaving me in a constant state of confusion as to whether or not I was awake. My dad began making appearances in a recurring dream, where he stood before me as his younger self, and without saying a word would point to a light vortex the size of a shoe box. I’d get down and crawl through the tunnel of light, only to appear in the same exact place, but with controller functions and diagnostics floating above me. With my eyes open, I could see through my avatar, and closed, through the eyes of the spirit controlling it. I’d wake up in a panic, scrambling to remember each detail to help make sense of this message that I kept receiving. The more I meditated on it, the more I realized what happened to me that night. I saw with the eyes of my soul, and the out-of-body experience left me feeling 100x my weight, as my consciousness guided me through the process of my own evolution. I saw the energy that I am, and that surrounds me, and it was all one. I was the universe, experiencing itself through the eyes of an individual cell. I was everything and I was nothing. And on the night of my father’s birthday, as I screamed his name in rage, crying over the questions I couldn’t ask him, he would answer every single one of them with the point of his finger. He guided me to the light, showing me the great game of life that we all play in this world, and giving me the gift of knowing the game exists, so that I can play to win. Emboldened by this newfound knowledge, I found myself facing life with a newfound determination. Every challenge, every success, every failure – all became part of a cosmic dance, the game of life in which I was an active participant. As I moved through each day, I felt more awake than I ever had before, as if the veil had been lifted, revealing the interconnected web of existence that bound us all. Despite the clarity of my vision, the burden of my addictions still weighed heavily upon me. I knew that in order to truly embrace this new understanding, I had to first conquer the demons that had haunted me for years. The alcohol that had once offered an escape now felt like a chain, binding me to a lesser version of myself. I knew that I had to break free, but was never quite ready to.