Spilling Outward

I left work with a knot in my throat. As my mind raced with a million thoughts, and my feet traced a familiar path home, the looming doubt that hovered above me could not contain me in the slightest. I knew exactly where I was going, and exactly what I was going to do, and it was, by far, the riskiest thing I’d ever do in my life. It made me think of my childhood, and what I had heard from the adults after first running away from home. “Something is wrong with him. He should seek help.” Memories of sitting in the pale room, talking to the man who the state designated to “fix my brain” all came flooding back, and with each drag of the cigarette, I wondered if I was, in fact, insane. I thought about my life, and where it had taken me throughout this journey. Each and every thing I had manifested all started out as a dream. My ability to bring my imagination to life blurred my worlds, and it had become increasingly difficult to distinguish the two. Still, I made my way to the concrete slab, sat upon it’s cold surface, and took a final pull before tossing the cigarette butt and staring up into the sky for guidance. I emptied my mind of everything that had been consuming me for days, and fought hard to place myself back into my body with a clean slate. Looking into the black mirrored screen of my cell phone, I pressed record and began spilling outward. I couldn’t tell you what was said, or who it was said to, but in a moment where playing it safe was the 9/10 better option, I threw my 1 on the table, and kicked open the gates into my soul. While regret is a luxury I can’t afford, I have used this as an opportunity for introspection, and analyzed myself thoroughly, trying to make sense of it all. Why did this happen? Why did I do this? Why am I this way? The more questions asked, the more were left unanswered, and I continue to count the seconds until I reach clarity on this moment. For now, I have to keep in mind that words are indeed spells, and if I continue to allow a higher power to speak through me, then I must be willing to face the consequences of not knowing the full picture. I must have trust in the universe, and the process of character development that it has seen fit to put me through. To some, I may very well be insane. To others, a genius, a risk-taker, an unconditional lover. My presence in your life is interpretive based on who you are, and what you choose to see in me. But when it comes to how I view myself, I’m just a spirit, living a short human experience, who found a way to tap into things that most people will unfortunately never get to witness. I count my blessings, and embrace all the good, and bad, associated with being who I am. Intent is everything, and while the future remains uncertain, I’m grateful for the purity of right now.

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