I find myself retreating further into solitude. The appearances I make these days are often reflective of the value I bring to any given situation, and I tend to only go where I’m welcomed with open arms. Mentally, the struggle remains. The residual feeling of being emasculated to such a degree continues to plague my days, and in sporadic moments, I often engage in conversation with myself, reminding myself that I am more than enough. From a spectators point of view, it is fascinating to watch this all unfold. The word “friend” has been used so loosely at times, that it’s easy to make the mistake of saying too much around individuals with their own motives. Everything that was ever said about me has made it’s way to my ears, and there is an inherent sadness that comes along with knowing the truth. Deep down, in the very core of certain human beings, exists a doubt that transcends far beyond the scope of what I can claim as a personal attack. They didn’t believe in me because they didn’t believe in themselves. People can never see beyond what they can envision personally, and as I find more and more solace away from the pretend world I once fought tooth and nail to be a part of, the fact that I’m accomplishing all of my goals and realizing all of my dreams serves testament to the fact that I was never the problem. I was merely a product of my environment. Take me out of an environment that had slowly developed toward my detriment, and I begin to flourish. Too often, I watch people rejoice in the excitement of finding yet another person to attempt to share life with, all while never fully obtaining a grasp on who they are themselves. That is a lesson I will gladly learn from afar, watching others go down yet another hallway without mirrors, doing everything in their power to avoid their reflection along the way. But as for me, I’m in the middle of a life changing moment, and in being in tune with myself, and allowing myself the space and time to grow as an individual, I’m steadily increasing the value that I bring to any room I walk into. I’ve become one for the team, and in this collective, we support each other, and admire each other, and do everything in our power to guide each other toward the bigger picture. And looking back now, it’s what I’ve been missing all along.

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