It's Bigger Than You

For a long time, it felt as though the universe revolved around me. That’s an easy thought to be consumed by, especially when your ego is fueled by alcohol on a daily basis. I continued to struggle with drinking, and things with Brenna were getting tense. I was stuck between feeling as though I could conquer the world, and being a victim of it. I’d try to become better every day, but after the first sip of my beer, I’d spiral downward each night, watching old videos of myself, wondering if I could “ever capture the same glory”. I sat on the worn-out couch in my dimly lit living room, the darkness amplifying the melancholy that weighed on my chest like an anvil. The flat-screen TV cast a cold, bluish hue over the space, casting shadows that mirrored the ghosts of my past. Fingers trembling, I opened my laptop and clicked on the folder marked “Early Years,” immersing myself in the memories of a man I barely recognized. In the first video, I was young and full of passion, strumming the guitar with fervor as I belted out songs that spoke to the depths of my soul. The room was small, and the audience wasn’t more than a handful of people, but the fire in my eyes was unmistakable. I was alive then, my heart beating in rhythm with the melodies that flowed from my fingertips. I’d lean in closer, hoping to absorb some of the energy and charisma from my younger self, but the beer beside me, still half-full, mocked my attempts at connection. Its cold condensation snaking down the can served as a reminder that the sober reality I yearned for was constantly sabotaged by the very substance I clung to for comfort. With each video, I could feel the pull of the past, the magnetic allure of those early days when the world was still vast and full of promise. My eyes would water with the heaviness of regret and the ache of nostalgia. I’d pause the video, take a sip of beer, and close my eyes, searching for a glimpse of the man I used to be. But the alcohol blurred the lines between reality and fantasy, distorting my perceptions and plunging me deeper into a pit of self-doubt and despair. The more I drank, the further away I felt from the person I once was, and the more insurmountable the task of reclaiming my former glory seemed. Night after night, I found myself in the same place – drowning in a sea of memories, reaching for the life I had built around me, only to feel it slipping away like sand through my fingers. It was a cycle that seemed impossible to break – but if there was one thing I knew, it was that I had to find the strength to do so. For the sake of Brenna, Alenna, and the dreams I once held dear, I needed to confront the demons that had led me to this place of despair. To remember that the world was so much bigger than me and that I had the power to rise above it all – if only I could find the courage to face my fears.

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