I Kneel Before Thee

It’s as if I’m in the throes of a celestial wrestling match, a spiritual tug-of-war between the specter of my past and the beacon of my future. The battlefield is the inner recesses of my mind, the very core of my being. Every move I make, every word I utter, every thought that I conceive, all are part of this silent, unseen war that rages within me. I’ve become public with my life’s tale, highlighting the powerful hold that alcohol once had over me, the darkness that it cast over my existence. In response, that very darkness, like a scorned phantom, has embarked on a relentless campaign of torment. It’s as though my sobriety, my public confession, has roused it from a peaceful slumber, and it now seeks vengeance. It assaults my psyche, carpet-bombing my tranquil moments with thoughts so dark, so intense, they feel as if they are being dredged up from the deepest, most abysmal pits of despair. In this silent struggle, sobriety is my only lifeline, my only beacon of hope. It is the solid anchor I cling to when the tempest of torment threatens to drag me into the abyss of my past. In my inebriated days, the taunting voice in my head was my own, insidiously whispering words of self-destruction, goading me to relinquish my grasp on everything I’ve painstakingly built and plunge headlong into the maw of oblivion. I’m all too aware that if I loosen my grip on sobriety, I could lose it all in an instant, regressing into the hollow husk of my former self. Paradoxically, I sense that this intense spiritual warfare is a precursor to something monumental, something transformative on the horizon. It’s an inkling I’ve carried for years, a vague impression that has, until now, lacked direction and focus. My career path, peppered with diverse ventures, has been a testament to my restless quest for the elusive ‘pop,’ that moment of profound breakthrough that I felt could emerge from any industry. And so, I dabbled in everything. Now, however, it’s as if the different pieces of my life’s jigsaw are coalescing into a cohesive whole. The multitude of projects that I’ve embarked on, once disparate, now seem to converge into a harmonious symphony, each instrument playing its unique tune but contributing to the collective melody. This fascinatingly complex orchestra of tasks offers a productive outlet for my ADHD, channeling its energy into a powerful drive propelling me toward my destined path. I’ve crafted a well-oiled machine, with each component serving a purpose, all steering me toward a shared destination. The demonic shadows from my past that I have yet to confront? They’re on borrowed time. I’m armed, ready, and advancing.