I Can Hear You

It was my own personal Tyler Durden, whispering sweet nothings into my ear, crafting each second of my life into a lottery drawing, as though the winning numbers were always right around the corner. This thing, this “being” that I let into my life, it was all in my head. The amount of effort it took to wrap my mind around this new reality brought me to the brink of madness in itself. And in a moment where it all seemed to come crashing down on me, there he was again, with another quip, another clever line used to hypnotize me back into his waiting embrace. “It’s only after you leave everything, that you’re free to do anything.” Those words echoed over and over in my mind, as my phone kept lighting up with new propositions. These old faithfuls are not to blame. They’ve watched this journey from afar, falling into the hypnosis that I myself crafted for you, the viewer, carefully curating moments of my life to create the image that I was ok inside. But the truth was, I wasn’t ok inside. I had withered away in hopes of a magical moment that would shift my reality, and in the process, lost parts of myself that were key to my essence. Walking these streets once again, I’ve found prayer to be my constant companion. Praying for another day, another opportunity to right the wrongs of my life, and give those I love the best version of me, because that’s what they and I deserve. I’ve been sitting on a mountain of emotional support. These conversations I’ve had, these moments of wisdom, they come to me by the grace of God himself, speaking through each of you the words that I need to hear. The clarity I’ve been able to maintain throughout this process is my anchor. The “old days” brought forth a lot of moments in which I threw my life to the wind, but those days were far behind me. This sobriety of mine, I hold onto for dear life, knowing that one moment of weakness could undo everything I’m trying to do, and have done. I don’t need it. I’ve never needed it. And looking into the eyes of the people that I love, I trust myself to know that this vow I will keep. My mind will remain sharp, precise, and I will be in control of the best version of me. And this version of me, right at this second, I am becoming.