Dear Alenna

Baby, I know you are going to grow up and read all of this one day. Believe me, I will make sure that this stays online long enough for you to be able to experience and enjoy, even long after I’m gone. I didn’t know much about my dad. I knew him, but I didn’t really know him. I wrote all of this so that, one day, you will know exactly who I am, what I’ve done, and how I got to where I went in life. I spoke to you yesterday on FaceTime, and your smile and laughter caused me to break down in tears. I moved the camera away so you couldn’t see me, but everything that I’m dealing with in my life right now, I pray to God, will make me better. Whatever your relationship evolves to with your mother is out of my hands, but I’m going to make the most of every second that we spend together. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want any of this. Waking up next to the both of you were the happiest moments of my life, a part of my life that I will never get to experience again. My heart is growing cold. Not for you, but for the world. For the blinders that people wear, and the lies that they tell themselves, over and over, in hopes of believing it one day. I thought I’ve seen the depths of hell, until this very moment. Now I see it all too clearly. The irony that this is the 1000th post on this blog, this “telling” of my life story, is almost poetic. 430,000 words I’ve given to you up to this point, all of the best and the worst of my life. But right now, I’m stepping away. Whatever happens next is between me and God. I’m sorry I can’t share this part of my life with you, but daddy has to go do what God is telling him to do, and neither you, nor the world, will bare witness to this. Goodbye 2023. If I’m alive after it’s all said and done, you won’t be able to recognize me anymore. The grass is greener where you water it, and there’s a storm approaching. I can’t wait to give YOU the life that you deserve. I love you forever.

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