On this night, we went to the Counting Crows concert at the Hammerstein Ballroom with Notar. As soon as we arrived, the atmosphere was electric, and the music was loud. We stayed toward the back of the venue, and I could see the performers in the distance. I felt a rush of excitement mixed with a sense of envy. It was difficult for me to shake off the feeling that I wanted to be on that stage, singing and playing guitar, and not just be a spectator. With Brenna and I had recently moving into my mother’s house, the stress of the situation weighed heavily on me. But despite that, Notar had given us VIP backstage passes to the concert, and I was excited to see what that would entail. As I stood there, sipping on my overpriced beer, I couldn’t help but think about how much I wanted to be the one on stage, performing to a crowd of people who were there just to see me. The thought of being on the sidelines and watching other musicians perform was eating me up. I was angry with myself for not being more successful and for not being on that stage. As the concert progressed, I found myself becoming more and more despondent, and when the Counting Crows finished their set, I was relieved that it was over. Notar had offered us VIP passes, but I had no interest in staying behind. We left the concert immediately and headed back to my mother’s house. I knew that I needed to get out of that negative headspace, but at the time, I was not sure how. My inability to enjoy the concert was a reflection of my inner turmoil. I was still struggling with my desire for success and my fear of failure.

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