An Avalanche Of Bullshit

I understand how fortunate I am. Having done all of this, creating my life story into a blog, getting sober and facing all of the demons that have haunted me my entire existence, it allowed me to see the truth about my life and all of the decisions I’ve made. What’s unfortunate about this realization is the fact that it’s exclusive to me. I don’t know anyone else with the privilege of owning a real-time encyclopedia of the ups and downs in their own lives, and because of this, I’ve become overtly aware of how a single thought could snowball into a pile of shit. That’s the danger of not communicating. That’s the danger of allowing your own imagination to get the best of you, and begin filling in blanks that shouldn’t have been left blank in the first place. They say when you assume, you make an ass out of “u” and “me”, and this has been proven now more than ever before. To finally realize the root of the issues that I’ve been dealing with as of late is bittersweet in itself. Knowing the truth was almost a delightful experience, until I realized that it was based on a lie. Think about that for a second. Imagine spending years suffering for something that never existed. It’s a scary thought, I’m sure. Almost like someone dedicating their entire lives to a religion only to find out the leader was a scam artist. I’d be more sympathetic if the issues weren’t so easily solvable, and the fact that life has taken the twists and turns that it has taken only leads me to believe that God saw fit to teach me these lessons before entering the next phase of my life. Regardless of what anyone says about the fact that I write my thoughts in this blog regularly, this has been the most therapeutic thing I’ve ever done for my own mental health, and knowing that my daughter will read all of this one day fills me with a joy that is indescribable. This is daddy. All of the best and worst of him. Who he was as an unapologetic spirit living a human existence in this period of time. I don’t know who I was before, or who I’ll be next, but this version of me is well documented. I will never regret the things that I did in my life, because I’m in love with who I am in this moment, and who I’m becoming every day. And as for the others, and the shit nuggets that were tossed down the mountain nearly a decade ago, and allowed to roll down ever so slowly, building up into a boulder of sorts, it just hit you in the fucking face.