A Roller Coaster

After releasing “Free The Goat” on BandCamp, a strange mix of emotions overwhelmed me. On one hand, I felt a sense of pride. I had accomplished something – I had poured my heart and soul into those tracks, and now they were out in the world for others to hear. But on the other hand, I couldn’t help but feel miserable. As I listened to the tracks, I knew deep down that they were subpar, far from the polished work I had envisioned. I sat in Brenna’s room, chain-smoking cigarettes and nursing a beer, unable to escape the roller coaster of emotions churning inside me. The room was dimly lit, with the faint smell of stale smoke hanging in the air. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had failed, despite all the hard work I had put in at Purfek Storm. Each drag from the cigarette, each gulp of beer, only served to amplify the sense of failure that consumed me. My head spun with thoughts of regret and self-doubt. I questioned every decision I had made, wondering if things could have been different if I had just been sober, more focused, or more committed to my craft. As these thoughts spiraled, I reached for another beer. The cold condensation on the can felt like a temporary relief against the heat of my burning shame. Each beer led me to the next one, as if trying to drown out the disappointment and frustration bubbling up inside of me. But no matter how much I drank, it never seemed to be enough. The alcohol, once a source of solace, now only served to heighten my self-loathing. I found myself trapped in a vicious cycle, desperately trying to numb the pain, but only succeeding in making it worse. My vision blurred, and the room seemed to spin around me. I slumped back against the wall, the weight of my failures pressing down on me. With each passing moment, I sank deeper into despair, my thoughts a toxic whirlpool that threatened to pull me under completely.