40 Days and 40 Nights

Alenna, I thought I had said goodbye to you in terms of writing for this year, but life has a way of surprising us. I have many talents, but none of them can fully capture the transformation that is happening within me; still, I will do my best to share it with you. I don’t know if this is new wisdom that I’m accessing, or if it’s always been there waiting for me to notice, but these last 40 days and 40 nights have changed everything. “40 days and 40 nights”. This phrase has a special significance in the Bible, appearing 24 times throughout the scriptures. Maybe it was not a coincidence after all. The first 10 days were filled with shock and grief. My sobriety allowed me to face my emotions, and heal them directly, instead of numbing my pain and delaying the process. Days 11-20 were all about processing the reality of what was happening, and reviewing everything I remembered to help me understand it all. Having this blog, all my thoughts recorded for you day by day, made this process easier than it is for most people. Days 21- 30 were the start of acceptance; not acceptance of what I wanted to be true, but acceptance of what the universe was showing me to be true. All the guidance I asked for and received came in the form of prayer and dreams, and every night I asked God for direction, the answer would come to me in my sleep. Finally, days 31-40 have been all about the “knowing”. Today is day 39, and this morning, I woke up with a sense of peace, gratitude, and confidence that I have never felt in my life. I look in the mirror and see the exact person that I should be at this moment, and without the chains that have held me down for so long, I can see my path as clear as day. Tomorrow, Day 40, when we wake up together during one of our weekend visitations and have breakfast at the dining room table, talking and laughing, the glow on my face will be in knowing that I’m me and you’re you, and those are our biggest blessings. I understand now. For me, there are no breaks in the spotlight. The marathon continues, and with every fiber of my being, I know that I’m going to give you the world.

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