With a Morning View gig booked at Fontanas in New York City, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of anxiety and frustration. I knew that my personal life was falling apart, and my drinking was what it was. But I couldn’t let that affect my performance on stage. I needed to prove to myself and to those around me that I was still capable of success. As was ritual, I drank before taking the stage, alongside Nicole and Brenna, who were both there to support me. But instead of calming my nerves, the alcohol only fueled my anger towards them. I don’t remember why, but I remember feeling like they were holding me back from achieving my dreams. I was losing myself to delusions of grandeur every day, and it was becoming increasingly difficult to separate reality from my own ego. I took the stage, fueled by alcohol and frustration. I wanted to prove a point to Brenna, to show her that I was still a star. But as soon as I started singing, I knew that something was off. My voice was off-key, and I struggled to hit the high notes. I could feel myself losing control, and I didn’t know how to stop it. I was consumed by my own demons, and it was starting to show. As the set came to an end, I stumbled off the stage, feeling more defeated than ever before. I tried my best to mask it with manufactured confidence, but I felt I had once again proven to everyone around me that I wasn’t yet ready for major success.
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