Alonzo had gotten B and me tickets to see live music; Green Day, Weezer, and Fall Out Boy at Citifield. With COVID-19 still running wild across America, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to enjoy live music while we still can. I started my day in Bushwick, picking up Alonzo on the corner of our old block. Feeling invisible to the place I’d spent my life wanting to make proud, I suppressed any negative feelings I would normally battle about my current position in life, and try my best to focus on having a good time. Alonzo and I stopped by Tony’s Pizza, before I made my way back home to prepare for the festivities ahead. As the evening came, I found myself aside Brenna and friends, smoking a joint and drinking overpriced beer at Citifield. With Fall Out Boy dropping out over COVID issues, Weezer would take the stage and absolutely destroy. Hit after hit, I sat on the benches, drunk and high, singing along to my favorite childhood tunes. Standing inside Citifield after the Weezer show, I held my GoPro tightly in my hand. The buzz of the crowd still ringing in my ears, I tried my best to describe the feeling that had just overtaken me.I struggled to find the right words to express what I was feeling, but eventually, the truth came out. “That was a crowd pop. I spent my whole life chasing that shit. And it’s a love/hate relationship that I have when I see it because as much as I’m participating in the shit, I WANT THAT SHIT.” As soon as those words left my lips, I felt a lump form in my throat, and my eyes began to itch. I scratched my nose, trying to keep the tears at bay. I couldn’t let myself break down in front of the camera, not now. Not after all the progress I had made. I couldn’t believe that I had come so far in my career, and yet, it still felt like I was miles away from where I wanted to be. It was supposed to be me up there, performing for thousands of adoring fans. I couldn’t help but feel lost, unsure of where my career was headed. As we made our way home that night, grateful for the experience we had just had, I couldn’t help but feel like I was at a crossroads. I needed to figure out what I wanted from my career, what my next steps were going to be.
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